Rent

"You don't want baggage
Without lifetime guarantees
You don't want to watch me die"

My friend was able to get last minute tickets to the final performance of Rent in our city on saturday. I didn't have anything else going on that night, so I said yes without a thought. I don't want to get all melodramatic here, but seeing the show:

a. made me cry
b. brought up some memories of earlier this year

A. was no surprise. I'm a crier. I cry at movies, books, tv shows, sad songs...pretty much anything with a plot. In the past, seeing the movie and the broadway show has brought tears to my eyes, so I was expecting that.

I wasn't expecting the sight of Angel in a hospital gown (similar to my old ones) and some of the lines to really hit me where it hurts. Watching the characters struggle with AIDS and still be there for each other, even when really sick or dying made me sadangrymaddepressedlonely. Why couldn't I have that too?

My illness was the catalyst for my break-up in November, and it was hard watching what I didn't have. I know Crohn's disease isn't fatal, but if people with AIDS can find love, and not be ashamed of their disease why can't I.

This musical hit a couple of nerves, and I feel like I understood it in a completely new way. Rent did amazing things for AIDS awareness, however I doubt Crohn's will ever reach that level of mainstream pop-culture.

New Beginning

Today was my LAST EXAM!! I am finally done with second year!! This entire year has been such a rollercoaster, ups and downs in pretty much every area of my life. This term has been especially brutal with recovering from surgery, writing all of my exams from first term and just trying to get back on my feet.

I'm moving on Monday/Tuesday, and I'm going to take this as my new beginning. All of my pain, illness, hospitalizations, prednizone side effects and depression are associated with this house. I have the chance to pack up my life, move a couple of streets away and start over. This time, with a group of amazing and supportive people.

I'm going to turn over a new leaf. Continue on with this super-positive attitude. I've gotten my summer all sorted out, with three volunteer committments, a sign language class first term and two credit courses second term. I will also be working my job 17 hours per week, and setting my own hours.

This next week is going to be super busy for me, and that's exactly how I like it. Shopping, packing, partying and moving plus a couple of meetings for work.

And I recieved a fantastic piece of news this morning, which helped me go into my exam feeling super confident. In February I applied to be a volunteer counselor at Camp Oasis, a camp for kids with Crohn's and Colitis. They emailed to set up a time for an interview!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Living in Fear

I am afraid of my Crohn's disease. Terrified, actually.

Every little pain makes me hold my breath, and freak out that this is going to be the one that sends me back to the hospital.

I feel like I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm out of the hospital, my gastro says I'm doing fine, but I can't seem to adjust to normal life again.

I'm scared of the future. Because even though I'm good right now, in a week, a month, a year my Crohn's could come back. And my Crohn's isn't gentle. My gastro has said several times that he almost caught it too late, and that it is definitely a severe case.

I have big dreams. I want to go to grad school, and pursue a career. I want to be successful. Get married, have children. My future used to be a straight line laid out in front of me. I've already had to take a detour on my course plan, I had to drop one course in first semester, an three courses in second semester. I want to graduate in four years. Hopefully I can catch up through summer school. I don't want to have to take it easy because of my Crohn's. That's not who I am.

I am a perfectionist. I push myself to be the best, to be as involved as I can. I make lists, and colour code them in my sleep. I can't function without my agenda book.

I want to be able to live my life. But Crohn's doesn't follow anyone's plans.

Acceptance

When am I supposed to be okay with this? It's been almost five months now since my diagnosis . . . shouldn't I have gotten over it by now? Can I get over it? Is is going to be a dark cloud hanging above me for the rest of my life, always ready to rain on my parade?

I try and live my life without Crohn's disease on my mind. I do my best to push it away, but every so often it comes back and smacks me in the face.

The feeling creeps up on me, and I know the tears are going to come. I feel sad, lonely and alone. It makes me want to reach for some comfort food, or sometimes the opposite: not eat. I know this isn't the answer, but sometimes the lure of a quick jolt of chocolate, or the need to be in control of something is too tempting.

I guess I'm lucky enough that I can forget about my Crohn's most of the time. The only reminder being my morning pills and little baby stomach pains during the day. And my mom calling me up every few days to find out how I am, and discuss my bowel habits.

But I don't want to feel this way. I had a good week, and a fantastic day and the depression snuck up on me. I mentioned it to my counselor last week, but I don't think we really addressed it.