When I need support the most, my first line of defense is to push people away. And then I hurt even more, because I'm lonely.
Today I spent a long time with my therapist identifying self-defeating behaviours, and coming up with ways to overcome them.
When I'm sad, I go into hiding. I lock myself up in my bedroom, and don't really leave (except for class, and my job). I don't see anyone or talk to anyone until my little period of depression is over.
BUT, one thing that could pull me out of the depression IS seeing/talking to friends. When I'm wrapped up in negative emotions it's the last thing I want to do, but would probably make things a lot better.
The underlying issue here, is the fact that I'm afraid of rejection. I feel like I'm imposing. I don't want to call someone up and dump all my negative thoughts and feelings on them. So if I don't call/see them at all, they won't know this side of me exists, and they can't reject me.
I don't want to be told "I don't have time for you", "I don't want to see you" or "I'm sick of your issues".
My therapist pointed out that if someone does reject me, I will feel sad and lonely and maybe a bit depressed. But if I don't even try, then I'm going to feel that way anyways, so what do I have to lose?
Next time I feel depressed, I'm going to do my best to overcome those voices whispering "don't even try" and call someone. I'll tell you how it goes.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Acceptance
When am I supposed to be okay with this? It's been almost five months now since my diagnosis . . . shouldn't I have gotten over it by now? Can I get over it? Is is going to be a dark cloud hanging above me for the rest of my life, always ready to rain on my parade?
I try and live my life without Crohn's disease on my mind. I do my best to push it away, but every so often it comes back and smacks me in the face.
The feeling creeps up on me, and I know the tears are going to come. I feel sad, lonely and alone. It makes me want to reach for some comfort food, or sometimes the opposite: not eat. I know this isn't the answer, but sometimes the lure of a quick jolt of chocolate, or the need to be in control of something is too tempting.
I guess I'm lucky enough that I can forget about my Crohn's most of the time. The only reminder being my morning pills and little baby stomach pains during the day. And my mom calling me up every few days to find out how I am, and discuss my bowel habits.
But I don't want to feel this way. I had a good week, and a fantastic day and the depression snuck up on me. I mentioned it to my counselor last week, but I don't think we really addressed it.
I try and live my life without Crohn's disease on my mind. I do my best to push it away, but every so often it comes back and smacks me in the face.
The feeling creeps up on me, and I know the tears are going to come. I feel sad, lonely and alone. It makes me want to reach for some comfort food, or sometimes the opposite: not eat. I know this isn't the answer, but sometimes the lure of a quick jolt of chocolate, or the need to be in control of something is too tempting.
I guess I'm lucky enough that I can forget about my Crohn's most of the time. The only reminder being my morning pills and little baby stomach pains during the day. And my mom calling me up every few days to find out how I am, and discuss my bowel habits.
But I don't want to feel this way. I had a good week, and a fantastic day and the depression snuck up on me. I mentioned it to my counselor last week, but I don't think we really addressed it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Depression
At first, I thought if I just ate right, excercised and took my meds I would be okay. But then it got so bad that I had to have surgery. And I developed a post-surgical leak.
It just seems to be one thing after another. I go back and try to continue living my life, but inevitably I end up back in the hospital.
It's depressing.
Also, I haven't told the majority of my friends that I have a disease. My second two hospitalizations were conveniently over Christmas and just before reading week. It's a bit lonely. I fell out of contact with a few people when I was in the hospital, and I'm now trying to reconnect, giving vague excuses for where I've been.
But some days it just gets to me. This isn't going to go away, and it sucks. And so I sit around and throw myself a pity party. Cry a little bit and listen to appropriate music. Binge a little bit on junk food.
But lately these bad days have been starting to pile up, and I don't want to live like this. I want to have fun, and be fun. I could use a bit more energy. I wish I could go back to before, when life was so much less complicated.
Here's a quick update. At my follow-up with the Surgeon, I was poked and prodded at. Since my pain was pretty much gone, we were given the option of re-imaging or letting it be. We opted to wait and see, if the abscess was still there, I'd feel it.
However, going back to the hospital was hard. I can't help but feel like everytime I walk through those doors, there's a chance I might not get out for another week or two. We could discover something else horrible that my body is doing to itself. I just don't know how to shake off this negative attitude.
It just seems to be one thing after another. I go back and try to continue living my life, but inevitably I end up back in the hospital.
It's depressing.
Also, I haven't told the majority of my friends that I have a disease. My second two hospitalizations were conveniently over Christmas and just before reading week. It's a bit lonely. I fell out of contact with a few people when I was in the hospital, and I'm now trying to reconnect, giving vague excuses for where I've been.
But some days it just gets to me. This isn't going to go away, and it sucks. And so I sit around and throw myself a pity party. Cry a little bit and listen to appropriate music. Binge a little bit on junk food.
But lately these bad days have been starting to pile up, and I don't want to live like this. I want to have fun, and be fun. I could use a bit more energy. I wish I could go back to before, when life was so much less complicated.
Here's a quick update. At my follow-up with the Surgeon, I was poked and prodded at. Since my pain was pretty much gone, we were given the option of re-imaging or letting it be. We opted to wait and see, if the abscess was still there, I'd feel it.
However, going back to the hospital was hard. I can't help but feel like everytime I walk through those doors, there's a chance I might not get out for another week or two. We could discover something else horrible that my body is doing to itself. I just don't know how to shake off this negative attitude.
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