Depression

At first, I thought if I just ate right, excercised and took my meds I would be okay. But then it got so bad that I had to have surgery. And I developed a post-surgical leak.

It just seems to be one thing after another. I go back and try to continue living my life, but inevitably I end up back in the hospital.

It's depressing.

Also, I haven't told the majority of my friends that I have a disease. My second two hospitalizations were conveniently over Christmas and just before reading week. It's a bit lonely. I fell out of contact with a few people when I was in the hospital, and I'm now trying to reconnect, giving vague excuses for where I've been.

But some days it just gets to me. This isn't going to go away, and it sucks. And so I sit around and throw myself a pity party. Cry a little bit and listen to appropriate music. Binge a little bit on junk food.

But lately these bad days have been starting to pile up, and I don't want to live like this. I want to have fun, and be fun. I could use a bit more energy. I wish I could go back to before, when life was so much less complicated.

Here's a quick update. At my follow-up with the Surgeon, I was poked and prodded at. Since my pain was pretty much gone, we were given the option of re-imaging or letting it be. We opted to wait and see, if the abscess was still there, I'd feel it.

However, going back to the hospital was hard. I can't help but feel like everytime I walk through those doors, there's a chance I might not get out for another week or two. We could discover something else horrible that my body is doing to itself. I just don't know how to shake off this negative attitude.