Scandalous

Warning: the post below contains somewhat questionable decisions. Do not read unless you can refrain from judging.

The other night, I hooked up with a friend of mine. At a work party (free drinks!). It started off innocently enough earlier in the day with a bit of joking, but add in alcohol and a meddling mutual friend and we get a drunken make out session. In my office.

I can't really decide if I regret it or not. On one hand, I had fun and I think it was exactly what I needed. On the other hand, it goes against my values, and the perception I have of myself.

This year, especially post-diagnosis my self-esteem has been all over the place. It's been hard, with way too many periods of isolation due to hospital stays and the depression that resulted.

It was an ego boost, knowing that someone thinks I'm gorgeous and wants me. It really helps to off-set the "damaged goods" mindset - even though the friend is unaware of my condition.

It also helped to cement the my break-up. Even though it's been about four months, I wouldn't be able to say that I'm completely over my ex. But I think this definitely helped me start to think of moving on.

It was a bit intoxication - the high it gave me. I was all smiles the night of, and the next day. Then the doubts set in. It could very well be addictive. But this isn't a pattern of behaviour that I really want to fall into. If I have to use others to constantly boost my self-esteem then I'll never really be able to stand on my own two feet. And I'm lucky that this was a friend, someone I know and feel comfortable with. I don't want to ever end up in this kind of position with a stranger - it could end badly.

Luckily, I think our friendship is still intact, and there isn't too much awkwardness. I can't take it back, so there's no use feeling bad about it. I just have to make sure this doesn't become a habit.

Food for Thought

I don't have an eating disorder. But what girl doesn't have a bit of a sketchy relationship with food and body image. Throw in Crohn's disease, and the picture gets even blurrier.

I am a generally healthy eater. I love fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Being on a low residue diet was practically torture for me. Stuck with white bread, and nutrition from fruit juices and applesauce made me feel disgusting. Plus the prednisone hunger meant I was eating that kind of crap all the time.

Sometimes, I just don't want to eat. Because if I don't eat, and there's no food going through me, I won't have symptoms. I can pretend I don't have Crohn's, and have some measure of control over my life.

But that doesn't usually work for long, because I do get hungry. Then I give in and eat, because I know it's what I should do for my body.

On the flip side, sometimes I just want to bury myself in comfort food. Chips, chocolate, french fries anything awful for me that tastes good. Especially when I'm having a rough day.

I lost about 12 pounds since my diagnosis, and it's a bit hard trying to figure out how I feel about my body now. At first, I felt disgusting. All skin and bones, lost muscle tone and no strenght to speak of. Especially after surgery.

Now, I've gained about half the weight back. I like being a couple pounds thinner than my normal. What girl doesn't want to lose at least five pounds. I'm torn between liking my body the way it is now, and knowing that it would be better if I did put back all the weight plus a little more.

My GI doc wants me to be at least ten pounds heavier. So that when I do have a flare-up I won't be losing too much. But why should Crohn's disease mean I have to get fat? How am I supposed to feel good about myself, heavier, when my life has already been turned up-side-down by this disease.

Welcome to the brain of a teenage girl.