Food for Thought

I don't have an eating disorder. But what girl doesn't have a bit of a sketchy relationship with food and body image. Throw in Crohn's disease, and the picture gets even blurrier.

I am a generally healthy eater. I love fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Being on a low residue diet was practically torture for me. Stuck with white bread, and nutrition from fruit juices and applesauce made me feel disgusting. Plus the prednisone hunger meant I was eating that kind of crap all the time.

Sometimes, I just don't want to eat. Because if I don't eat, and there's no food going through me, I won't have symptoms. I can pretend I don't have Crohn's, and have some measure of control over my life.

But that doesn't usually work for long, because I do get hungry. Then I give in and eat, because I know it's what I should do for my body.

On the flip side, sometimes I just want to bury myself in comfort food. Chips, chocolate, french fries anything awful for me that tastes good. Especially when I'm having a rough day.

I lost about 12 pounds since my diagnosis, and it's a bit hard trying to figure out how I feel about my body now. At first, I felt disgusting. All skin and bones, lost muscle tone and no strenght to speak of. Especially after surgery.

Now, I've gained about half the weight back. I like being a couple pounds thinner than my normal. What girl doesn't want to lose at least five pounds. I'm torn between liking my body the way it is now, and knowing that it would be better if I did put back all the weight plus a little more.

My GI doc wants me to be at least ten pounds heavier. So that when I do have a flare-up I won't be losing too much. But why should Crohn's disease mean I have to get fat? How am I supposed to feel good about myself, heavier, when my life has already been turned up-side-down by this disease.

Welcome to the brain of a teenage girl.