My Support Paradox

When I need support the most, my first line of defense is to push people away. And then I hurt even more, because I'm lonely.

Today I spent a long time with my therapist identifying self-defeating behaviours, and coming up with ways to overcome them.

When I'm sad, I go into hiding. I lock myself up in my bedroom, and don't really leave (except for class, and my job). I don't see anyone or talk to anyone until my little period of depression is over.

BUT, one thing that could pull me out of the depression IS seeing/talking to friends. When I'm wrapped up in negative emotions it's the last thing I want to do, but would probably make things a lot better.

The underlying issue here, is the fact that I'm afraid of rejection. I feel like I'm imposing. I don't want to call someone up and dump all my negative thoughts and feelings on them. So if I don't call/see them at all, they won't know this side of me exists, and they can't reject me.

I don't want to be told "I don't have time for you", "I don't want to see you" or "I'm sick of your issues".

My therapist pointed out that if someone does reject me, I will feel sad and lonely and maybe a bit depressed. But if I don't even try, then I'm going to feel that way anyways, so what do I have to lose?

Next time I feel depressed, I'm going to do my best to overcome those voices whispering "don't even try" and call someone. I'll tell you how it goes.

My First Post-Crohn's Travel Adventure

I was in the States this past weekend for a family event, and I realized something. My family has waaaay too many doctors. Just mention the word abscess and my mother had several queries about the C-disease. Luckily after everyone said their bit my illness wasn't the focus of the weekend.

It was also a little bit hard hearing everyone so happy that I'm better, and telling me to stay that way because I know that's not up to me. I can do my best, take my meds and the Crohn's might still progress.

The weekend was a lot of fun, although I didn't end up getting much sleep due to sharing a bed with my little sister who tosses and turns.

My flight was fairly short, and I made sure to use the washroom beforehand so I didn't have any issues on the tiny commuter plane with only one washroom. I brought a couple of extra days of my meds, and some Immodium just in case. I had a little bit of an issue with greasy food, but I suppose that's my own fault for that.

Living in Fear

I am afraid of my Crohn's disease. Terrified, actually.

Every little pain makes me hold my breath, and freak out that this is going to be the one that sends me back to the hospital.

I feel like I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm out of the hospital, my gastro says I'm doing fine, but I can't seem to adjust to normal life again.

I'm scared of the future. Because even though I'm good right now, in a week, a month, a year my Crohn's could come back. And my Crohn's isn't gentle. My gastro has said several times that he almost caught it too late, and that it is definitely a severe case.

I have big dreams. I want to go to grad school, and pursue a career. I want to be successful. Get married, have children. My future used to be a straight line laid out in front of me. I've already had to take a detour on my course plan, I had to drop one course in first semester, an three courses in second semester. I want to graduate in four years. Hopefully I can catch up through summer school. I don't want to have to take it easy because of my Crohn's. That's not who I am.

I am a perfectionist. I push myself to be the best, to be as involved as I can. I make lists, and colour code them in my sleep. I can't function without my agenda book.

I want to be able to live my life. But Crohn's doesn't follow anyone's plans.

Food for Thought

I don't have an eating disorder. But what girl doesn't have a bit of a sketchy relationship with food and body image. Throw in Crohn's disease, and the picture gets even blurrier.

I am a generally healthy eater. I love fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Being on a low residue diet was practically torture for me. Stuck with white bread, and nutrition from fruit juices and applesauce made me feel disgusting. Plus the prednisone hunger meant I was eating that kind of crap all the time.

Sometimes, I just don't want to eat. Because if I don't eat, and there's no food going through me, I won't have symptoms. I can pretend I don't have Crohn's, and have some measure of control over my life.

But that doesn't usually work for long, because I do get hungry. Then I give in and eat, because I know it's what I should do for my body.

On the flip side, sometimes I just want to bury myself in comfort food. Chips, chocolate, french fries anything awful for me that tastes good. Especially when I'm having a rough day.

I lost about 12 pounds since my diagnosis, and it's a bit hard trying to figure out how I feel about my body now. At first, I felt disgusting. All skin and bones, lost muscle tone and no strenght to speak of. Especially after surgery.

Now, I've gained about half the weight back. I like being a couple pounds thinner than my normal. What girl doesn't want to lose at least five pounds. I'm torn between liking my body the way it is now, and knowing that it would be better if I did put back all the weight plus a little more.

My GI doc wants me to be at least ten pounds heavier. So that when I do have a flare-up I won't be losing too much. But why should Crohn's disease mean I have to get fat? How am I supposed to feel good about myself, heavier, when my life has already been turned up-side-down by this disease.

Welcome to the brain of a teenage girl.

Acceptance

When am I supposed to be okay with this? It's been almost five months now since my diagnosis . . . shouldn't I have gotten over it by now? Can I get over it? Is is going to be a dark cloud hanging above me for the rest of my life, always ready to rain on my parade?

I try and live my life without Crohn's disease on my mind. I do my best to push it away, but every so often it comes back and smacks me in the face.

The feeling creeps up on me, and I know the tears are going to come. I feel sad, lonely and alone. It makes me want to reach for some comfort food, or sometimes the opposite: not eat. I know this isn't the answer, but sometimes the lure of a quick jolt of chocolate, or the need to be in control of something is too tempting.

I guess I'm lucky enough that I can forget about my Crohn's most of the time. The only reminder being my morning pills and little baby stomach pains during the day. And my mom calling me up every few days to find out how I am, and discuss my bowel habits.

But I don't want to feel this way. I had a good week, and a fantastic day and the depression snuck up on me. I mentioned it to my counselor last week, but I don't think we really addressed it.

Looking Up

I know things have been a bit gloomy lately on the blog, but my life really isn't that bad. I've been getting out more, seeing people and having fun! It's just very easy to use writing as an outlet for all my negative thoughts and feelings, because sometimes I don't want to burden my friends with all of that.

I went to my first pilates class since surgery last night, and my abs aren't thanking me for it. Actually my whole body is hurting, but I really want to gain back some of the muscle tone I've lost this year with being sick.

I have been attending yoga for the past couple of weeks, and I'm finding that a very mild work-out. I love the breathing exercises, and the way my instructor finishes each class with a story!

And this week is Arts Matter at school, put on by my Faculty society. I've been helping out at the art exhibit, coffee house and film festival. Tons of fun, and very talented people!

I did have a little bit of pain on my lower left side yesterday. It was pretty sharp, and it happened three times. I've called my gastro about it, hopefully it will be nothing. It freaked me out a bit because so far all my Crohn's activity has been on my lower right.