My Support Paradox

When I need support the most, my first line of defense is to push people away. And then I hurt even more, because I'm lonely.

Today I spent a long time with my therapist identifying self-defeating behaviours, and coming up with ways to overcome them.

When I'm sad, I go into hiding. I lock myself up in my bedroom, and don't really leave (except for class, and my job). I don't see anyone or talk to anyone until my little period of depression is over.

BUT, one thing that could pull me out of the depression IS seeing/talking to friends. When I'm wrapped up in negative emotions it's the last thing I want to do, but would probably make things a lot better.

The underlying issue here, is the fact that I'm afraid of rejection. I feel like I'm imposing. I don't want to call someone up and dump all my negative thoughts and feelings on them. So if I don't call/see them at all, they won't know this side of me exists, and they can't reject me.

I don't want to be told "I don't have time for you", "I don't want to see you" or "I'm sick of your issues".

My therapist pointed out that if someone does reject me, I will feel sad and lonely and maybe a bit depressed. But if I don't even try, then I'm going to feel that way anyways, so what do I have to lose?

Next time I feel depressed, I'm going to do my best to overcome those voices whispering "don't even try" and call someone. I'll tell you how it goes.