The Wheel of Time

"The wheel of time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again." - Robert Jordan

Maybe this quote is a bit overdramatic, but it has been two years since I last posted. Two long years, full of ups and downs and surprises. I'll give you a quick overview here, and then I'll take off with regular posts.

Ups
- graduated from university
- admitted to a grad program in speech pathology (literally, a dream come true)
- new boyfriend
- fabulous summer job (at the speech clinic where I volunteered for years)
- an amazing, supportive group of lady friends
- crohn's in remission!

Downs
- broke up with said new boyfriend (we dated for almost 1.5 years)
- moved home for the summer
- commuting to the fabulous summer job (40 min bus ride/train trip x2 per day)
- a stressful summer job (very high expectations, everything must be done in a specific way)
- went through 2 medications and some awful side effects to get into remission (remicade, then humira, now migraines)

But just to give a spot of good news at the end, like a sandwich, I have so much to look forward to now. Moving to a new city, new apartment, new program and new experiences. It's the change of scenery and the chance for independence that I've been waiting for. I am literally counting down the days until September 4th - my first day of classes!

Will give you lots more updates soon!

Laura

Rent

"You don't want baggage
Without lifetime guarantees
You don't want to watch me die"

My friend was able to get last minute tickets to the final performance of Rent in our city on saturday. I didn't have anything else going on that night, so I said yes without a thought. I don't want to get all melodramatic here, but seeing the show:

a. made me cry
b. brought up some memories of earlier this year

A. was no surprise. I'm a crier. I cry at movies, books, tv shows, sad songs...pretty much anything with a plot. In the past, seeing the movie and the broadway show has brought tears to my eyes, so I was expecting that.

I wasn't expecting the sight of Angel in a hospital gown (similar to my old ones) and some of the lines to really hit me where it hurts. Watching the characters struggle with AIDS and still be there for each other, even when really sick or dying made me sadangrymaddepressedlonely. Why couldn't I have that too?

My illness was the catalyst for my break-up in November, and it was hard watching what I didn't have. I know Crohn's disease isn't fatal, but if people with AIDS can find love, and not be ashamed of their disease why can't I.

This musical hit a couple of nerves, and I feel like I understood it in a completely new way. Rent did amazing things for AIDS awareness, however I doubt Crohn's will ever reach that level of mainstream pop-culture.

I got Crohn's and lost a boyfriend

It wasn't exactly a cause-and-effect type thing. We had been having problems for a little while, and this just seemed to exacerbate them.

When your girlfriend is in the hospital, a couple of text messages doesn't exactly cut it. And a one hour visit where you can't wait to get out of there doesn't help either. I felt like we didn't really talk anymore.

And I was scared. A chronic disease, which I'm going to have for the rest of my life. And one with symptoms that aren't exactly polite dinnertime conversation.

I didn't want to tell him. And I kind of needed some time to deal with everything myself.

So we went on break. He didn't exactly protest, telling me that "he'd respect any decision that I made" and later in the conversation asking if "I even still loved him".

Feelings aren't a light switch that you can turn on and off, but sometimes they aren't enough.

We met one week later for coffee, and ended up having more fun with breaking up with each other than we'd had dating in a long time.

We'd gotten boring. School, work, plus an undiagnosed chronic disease left me exhausted all the time. I didn't want to go out, and hanging out in my room wasn't all that much fun.

It's been a couple of months now, and I know that it was the best decision for me, at the time. Our relationship barely made it through one hospitalization, I'm glad it didn't have to try and survive the next two. As well, when you miss weeks of class and all of your exams it helps to have a lot of free time for studying.