Warning: the post below contains somewhat questionable decisions. Do not read unless you can refrain from judging.
The other night, I hooked up with a friend of mine. At a work party (free drinks!). It started off innocently enough earlier in the day with a bit of joking, but add in alcohol and a meddling mutual friend and we get a drunken make out session. In my office.
I can't really decide if I regret it or not. On one hand, I had fun and I think it was exactly what I needed. On the other hand, it goes against my values, and the perception I have of myself.
This year, especially post-diagnosis my self-esteem has been all over the place. It's been hard, with way too many periods of isolation due to hospital stays and the depression that resulted.
It was an ego boost, knowing that someone thinks I'm gorgeous and wants me. It really helps to off-set the "damaged goods" mindset - even though the friend is unaware of my condition.
It also helped to cement the my break-up. Even though it's been about four months, I wouldn't be able to say that I'm completely over my ex. But I think this definitely helped me start to think of moving on.
It was a bit intoxication - the high it gave me. I was all smiles the night of, and the next day. Then the doubts set in. It could very well be addictive. But this isn't a pattern of behaviour that I really want to fall into. If I have to use others to constantly boost my self-esteem then I'll never really be able to stand on my own two feet. And I'm lucky that this was a friend, someone I know and feel comfortable with. I don't want to ever end up in this kind of position with a stranger - it could end badly.
Luckily, I think our friendship is still intact, and there isn't too much awkwardness. I can't take it back, so there's no use feeling bad about it. I just have to make sure this doesn't become a habit.
