Living in Fear

I am afraid of my Crohn's disease. Terrified, actually.

Every little pain makes me hold my breath, and freak out that this is going to be the one that sends me back to the hospital.

I feel like I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm out of the hospital, my gastro says I'm doing fine, but I can't seem to adjust to normal life again.

I'm scared of the future. Because even though I'm good right now, in a week, a month, a year my Crohn's could come back. And my Crohn's isn't gentle. My gastro has said several times that he almost caught it too late, and that it is definitely a severe case.

I have big dreams. I want to go to grad school, and pursue a career. I want to be successful. Get married, have children. My future used to be a straight line laid out in front of me. I've already had to take a detour on my course plan, I had to drop one course in first semester, an three courses in second semester. I want to graduate in four years. Hopefully I can catch up through summer school. I don't want to have to take it easy because of my Crohn's. That's not who I am.

I am a perfectionist. I push myself to be the best, to be as involved as I can. I make lists, and colour code them in my sleep. I can't function without my agenda book.

I want to be able to live my life. But Crohn's doesn't follow anyone's plans.